Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Do I care?
Typical, I haven't been on my blogspot for ages and then when I do finaly get here it's to rant. How come you can have life so good on the one hand while every thing else is going to pot on the other? I finaly find a place where I'm loved and understood and I know I need to be and I have to deal with rumors and insinuations about me and things that are so untrue that if they weren't so potentialy damaging to a lot of people i know they'd be funny. Then once I just about feel I've got that sorted something else that I really had no desire to deal with comes up and bites me on the arse big style. I don't know wether to laugh or cry about that one as I was right. I walked away from the whole situation a good couple of months ago and I find out it's all got kicked up again and others are walking out. I don't want to have to deal with it because, as far as I knew it was as dead as dead dodo's backside, but here it is back and bigger than ever. I also find out that a major injustice has happend in the same institution and that people who SHOULD know better aparently don't. I'm sorry if this is making much sense but I can't really broadcast it on such a public forum with out getting my arse whooped so I'm just really writting a load of crap just to get it out of my head and onto the screen. If I couldn't do this I'd go even more mad as it is I'm questioning my sanity big time at the moment anywa. Why do I bother get out of bed? The weather will always be cold, the sky will always be grey because , in the end, everything is predictable. God starts to work miricles in my life, him down stairs starts kicking up and I end up being really pissed off and apethetic to the whole thing. The people piss me off and that just make's me worse. I know that him upstairs is look after me and the father of lies won't shake my conviction in the God of justice and truth but sometimes I could just do with out the phone calls and texts and the frantic rush to sorth everything out. As a friend oof mine would say lie is being hectic.
Monday, October 02, 2006
Insania
It's been so long since I blogged and I've meant to be back ranting and raving about so many things...My brain is frazzled! (it's actualy arguable if I had a brain to begin with but that is for another post at another time) I feel like I want to cry but that everthing with in me is dry. I've being busy writing a peice for my young wriers group and it's semi autobiographical and it deals with subject matter close to my heart. I have got a creeping sensation all over my flesh and I'm sat at the top of the house in my winter coat. I shouldn't be sat at the top of the house with my winter coat on because usually I'm baking my nuts up here. Now are you begining to get the idea? I don't know if I can go through this any more. I don't know if I can be a creative. Everytime I write I leave a little peice of my soul in the pages and I'm not sure how much more i can give up. We explored my poetry in therapy and I really didn't realise how dark I am. I was talking about a peice called "strange Voodoo" and it was filled with such malintent...and that was just written from my subconcious. I don't know if I can deal with the feeling of helplessness in the face of the onslaught, the torrent that comes pouring from my brain. What keeps me on thi9s side of the line? How come the archetype that I most strongly asscoiate with is the serial killer?!? What does that say about me? Why don't I just give into it? Why don't I just kill and kill again until I'm caught and branded an evil monster by the shit rags and misunderstood by the psychatrists? I talk about my transformation, about the outer becoming more like the inner and made that means the killing begins now....
Alternitivly it could mean that I'm just spinning myself out, that I'm over tierd and that I should just keeping taking the tabs.
Good night my loves, my God bless every single one of your footsteps and bless you on every inch of your journey.
X X X
Alternitivly it could mean that I'm just spinning myself out, that I'm over tierd and that I should just keeping taking the tabs.
Good night my loves, my God bless every single one of your footsteps and bless you on every inch of your journey.
X X X
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
I'm in the prosses of switching my anti-depresants and it's scaring me coz I've had to come of my meds completely for one week. It sounds nothing in the scheme of things but do something very rude to a duck, it's hard. I've been told to start my new meds on tuesday to alow the prozac to clear from my system. I never thought I'd miss prozac but I do. I'm all over the place and It's been the longest week of my life. I'm really scared and antsy and I don't know if I can cope...I'm repeting myself aren't I? This is probably a pschosymatic response rather than a real one but I reacted very badly to something last night that I shouldn't have done. I'm also running out of tobaco which doesn't put me in the best of moods anyway. I just want to cry...I've also had my meds cut back to 10mgs from 20 so we'll have to see. The thing is prozac induces false euphoria in me and I have to be off it to feel anything at a real level. Cytolopram has worked best for me in the past but who knows? I'll keep you all updated.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Polyamory
Recently I've restarted a relationship and I think I'm in love with someone else. However I am in love with my partner and they know how I feel about this other person. I guess I'm polyamorus in a mono-amorus relationship. To clarify what I mean by that I can love more that one person equaly and be in love with more that one person but I'm currently choosing "monogamy" as my relationship status.
I understand that there are many people out there, both religious and non, who will view this statement and polyamory in general, as a way that people can "have their cake and eat it". But it's not actualy that simple. Polyamory is more than an open relationship and it's more than a poligamus one. Poligamy is often a religiously institued relationship that treats women like chattle. It is, on the whole, about a patriarchal need to spread the seed as far as you can and have "good breeding stock", it is rarely about love or having a respectful relationship. Polyamory, on the other hand, is about having a loving, respectful relationship but recognising that you can have these relationships with more than one person. Polyamory takes into account the feelings of both partners and has rules and boundries. These are not set in stone for every polyamorus partnership but are fluid and as boundless as the human heart. My partner and I have talked about having a polyamorus relationship but thay have only known monogomy. This may or may not having a baring on the fact that we are still in a monogomus relationship but I think they feel that I might leave if I'm alowed another partner. However, although the polyamorus lifestyle may not suite us right now, we have deced to keep channels of comunication open and discuss it periodically and it might, in the end, be the reason we split up. It might also be the reason that we stay together who knows? The only reason I write this is because I know that there has been a lot of interest recently in the subject of polyamory and it was even put before our church that minister be alowed to conduct polyamorus blessings. I just wanted to show that polyamorus persons are not greedy, it's just an alternitive to the idea of monogomy.
Make of it what you will.
I understand that there are many people out there, both religious and non, who will view this statement and polyamory in general, as a way that people can "have their cake and eat it". But it's not actualy that simple. Polyamory is more than an open relationship and it's more than a poligamus one. Poligamy is often a religiously institued relationship that treats women like chattle. It is, on the whole, about a patriarchal need to spread the seed as far as you can and have "good breeding stock", it is rarely about love or having a respectful relationship. Polyamory, on the other hand, is about having a loving, respectful relationship but recognising that you can have these relationships with more than one person. Polyamory takes into account the feelings of both partners and has rules and boundries. These are not set in stone for every polyamorus partnership but are fluid and as boundless as the human heart. My partner and I have talked about having a polyamorus relationship but thay have only known monogomy. This may or may not having a baring on the fact that we are still in a monogomus relationship but I think they feel that I might leave if I'm alowed another partner. However, although the polyamorus lifestyle may not suite us right now, we have deced to keep channels of comunication open and discuss it periodically and it might, in the end, be the reason we split up. It might also be the reason that we stay together who knows? The only reason I write this is because I know that there has been a lot of interest recently in the subject of polyamory and it was even put before our church that minister be alowed to conduct polyamorus blessings. I just wanted to show that polyamorus persons are not greedy, it's just an alternitive to the idea of monogomy.
Make of it what you will.
Monday, August 07, 2006
people.
I have had such a fantastic weekend. My sister got married and I was an usher...wow I've never felt anything like it, I was so proud and I'm so happy to welcome her husband into my family.He's the kindest person I know and I'm exceptionaly proud to call him my brother in law.
I was just wondering if you can be truely changed by someone you've only met once or twice. You see i met this guy at the wedding and he's left me in a total head spin. He's the purest, truest spirt I know and he's unbound by convention. It made such a change to the usual players and stuffed shirts I seem to meet and he's inspired me so much. I'd love to have him, or someone like him, as a perminant fixture in my life. Wow, he just blew me away. He's inteligent, well travelled and a true free spirit. He's the man for me. I know I don't know him but he's touched something deep with me and opened me eyes to how simple and beautiful life can be. I've made no secret of the fact that I suffer with depression and this guy has shown me that life can be simple. He doesn't know I'm depressed but just being around him lifted me higher than I think I've ever been in my life...I don't know. The reality probably would very different but the dream is so good, why spoil it?
I was just wondering if you can be truely changed by someone you've only met once or twice. You see i met this guy at the wedding and he's left me in a total head spin. He's the purest, truest spirt I know and he's unbound by convention. It made such a change to the usual players and stuffed shirts I seem to meet and he's inspired me so much. I'd love to have him, or someone like him, as a perminant fixture in my life. Wow, he just blew me away. He's inteligent, well travelled and a true free spirit. He's the man for me. I know I don't know him but he's touched something deep with me and opened me eyes to how simple and beautiful life can be. I've made no secret of the fact that I suffer with depression and this guy has shown me that life can be simple. He doesn't know I'm depressed but just being around him lifted me higher than I think I've ever been in my life...I don't know. The reality probably would very different but the dream is so good, why spoil it?
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
All for the love of the game.
Life is beautiful, life is scary, life's a bitchbut isn't it a wonderful thing?
I know i've had my head up my own arse the last week or so but I'll get there. At the moment I'm just so in love with life...
I'm beautiful, powerful and i can do anything i want.
I'm going to dance on the mountains on the moon, I'm going to trip the light fantastic
across the sun...
I'm destined to be happy.
Life is what you make it...so I'm going to make it mine. I went out and got drunk tonight
and I cried, I cried until I thought I couldn't cry anymore but then I had a chance
meeting with a servant of God and I realised so what if I'm disposable? Because we're all disposable. I can still have fun and be what I need to be. i can't really explain what got me
to this point but I know noe that really it's just a game. It has no rules but the one's that we ascribe to it. playing, and being played, is so liberating. When you work it out it's all about power plays. our whole lives are built on a subtle interplay of dominance and submission and it doesn't need to be obvious either. The power struggle is inherent, we're rarely ever on a equal footing with others. I've realised sometime's it's worth loosing the battle to win the war and sometimes, however hard you try, you can't win the war so you limp off to lick your war wounds and then get back on the horse and charge into yet another fight.
Yes i fall in love to easily, I'm always trying to find that "perfect" relationship...but i can dream can't I? i can hoope that the age of romance and chivalry isn't dead. I don't care how many times I get kick down, I'm gonna get up everytime and be that little bit stronger.
I lay my hand on the table and pay the price.
I know i've had my head up my own arse the last week or so but I'll get there. At the moment I'm just so in love with life...
I'm beautiful, powerful and i can do anything i want.
I'm going to dance on the mountains on the moon, I'm going to trip the light fantastic
across the sun...
I'm destined to be happy.
Life is what you make it...so I'm going to make it mine. I went out and got drunk tonight
and I cried, I cried until I thought I couldn't cry anymore but then I had a chance
meeting with a servant of God and I realised so what if I'm disposable? Because we're all disposable. I can still have fun and be what I need to be. i can't really explain what got me
to this point but I know noe that really it's just a game. It has no rules but the one's that we ascribe to it. playing, and being played, is so liberating. When you work it out it's all about power plays. our whole lives are built on a subtle interplay of dominance and submission and it doesn't need to be obvious either. The power struggle is inherent, we're rarely ever on a equal footing with others. I've realised sometime's it's worth loosing the battle to win the war and sometimes, however hard you try, you can't win the war so you limp off to lick your war wounds and then get back on the horse and charge into yet another fight.
Yes i fall in love to easily, I'm always trying to find that "perfect" relationship...but i can dream can't I? i can hoope that the age of romance and chivalry isn't dead. I don't care how many times I get kick down, I'm gonna get up everytime and be that little bit stronger.
I lay my hand on the table and pay the price.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Love...again.
Well I seem to have recovered a bit now. After trying to avoid God, coz I know He's going to ask me to give up something I really don't want to, I went to church and found wisdom from a very unexpected source. I've known Bean to very mature but what he was saying on Sunday really made a lot of sense, it's going to be hard but my relationship with God is not worth sacrificing for a man and a man I don't even love. But what I don't understand, and I'm having huge trouble with this, is why God gave us a heart and the capacity to love if the person we love was never meant to be ours. I'm in this quandry with a couple of my friends at the moment. I really feel a lot for one half of the couple and its taring me up that I can't be with her but I'm also very happy for both her and my friend that they've finally found each other. They have a lot of history together you see and that's why I was wondering why God gave us the heart to love if we were never meant to be with the person we love. I'm not sure I can cope and so I'm shutting down and conpartmentalising things. The strange thing is i never realised how much I felt for this person until she was no longer avalible. I geuss I'll cope in the best way and can and move on. I'm so lost though and that's why I need to go to God and ask for his strength.
Pray for me as I try to come to terms with something so hurtful and confusing.
La. X X
Pray for me as I try to come to terms with something so hurtful and confusing.
La. X X
Sunday, July 16, 2006
blah
I don't even know how to begin. I''ve lost the words to describe what I mean. I don't know anymore. When you look at me you see the happy go-lucky, shit happens and I'll deal with it person. That's who you want to see. You don't want to see someone who's dead on the inside slowly rotting away. I'm tired of life, I want to live for myself, I don't want people to tell I'm selfish or to think of other's who never got to decide wether they wanted to die. All I ever do is think of other people. Where does my life come in all this? Don't I have a right to be happy? To make informed choices about when my life ends? It's all to much. Everything is to, to much. I can't ever seemed to find a balance, if I feel joy it's total and all consuming, if I feel sadness it's all consuming. I don't know how long I can go on living. I just want to find a hole 6 foot deep, crawl into it and live there for the rest of my life. I somethimes think that if God really loved me, I wouldn't wake up. I never asked to be born, I never asked to be on this rollercoaster and I want to get off. The thing is I can't, I'm too scared to live, to scared to die. All I know is I don't want this anymore. I've started to change already, started to become. It's hard to explain but I know it's happening. I'm toughning up, I don't care anymore, I'm the anti-hero of my own life. I'm starting to live for me, to take what I want. I know that it's a selfish attitude and as a Christian I shouldn't have it but I'm sick of being walked over. Being nice doesn't get you anywhere, it gets you used and abused and makes you disposable. Well I'm sick of being disposable, I'm sick of being ignored, the world will stand up and take notice. I am becoming the person I want to be, or maybe I don't want to be this person. Maybe I don't want to be all hard and cynical. But I can't seem to find a balance. You tell me.
Monday, July 03, 2006
Heyho
Just thought I'd check in to let you, my devoted followers know that I AM still alive. Just been hectic. Will update my Blog properly soon.
X X X X
X X X X
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Prayer.
After my little colapse yesterday, I'm actualy feeling a lot better and that simply comes from acknowledging the fact that I'm falible and frail and calling on my God for hope and strength.
I had had a particularly stressful day at work yesterday and after all the crap that went on at the weekend I was ready to give up, to throw the towel in and say I really don't care but instead I prayed. I told God I was really ready to give up, that I was at the end of my tether but I didn't want the devil to gain a stronghold in my mind. I admited to God that I was feeling low and aked for God's strength to sustain me.
It's amazing what happens when you give it all up to God. Although I still don't really understand the situation or condone what was said I feel lifted above it and that the weight is no longer mine to carry. God has listened and answered my prayers. I can only walk tall because I'm being carried on God's shoulders. God is magnifiecent, I want to shout His name to the earth and I want to, and will, belong to him forever. He sustains me and uplifts me and I know I can do anything because God stands for me and if God stands for me, who can stand against?
I had had a particularly stressful day at work yesterday and after all the crap that went on at the weekend I was ready to give up, to throw the towel in and say I really don't care but instead I prayed. I told God I was really ready to give up, that I was at the end of my tether but I didn't want the devil to gain a stronghold in my mind. I admited to God that I was feeling low and aked for God's strength to sustain me.
It's amazing what happens when you give it all up to God. Although I still don't really understand the situation or condone what was said I feel lifted above it and that the weight is no longer mine to carry. God has listened and answered my prayers. I can only walk tall because I'm being carried on God's shoulders. God is magnifiecent, I want to shout His name to the earth and I want to, and will, belong to him forever. He sustains me and uplifts me and I know I can do anything because God stands for me and if God stands for me, who can stand against?
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
...
What is left when the anger’s gone?
What can fill the void?
Is this all I am,
All I’ll ever be?
Don’t I deserve more?
More credit,
More time,
More slack?
Or Don’t I matter as much as you?
Am I not as valuable?
Does it not matter that I bleed red too?
I wish you’d think,
I wish you’d stop
But as long those around you
Keep excusing you
And validating your bad behaviour,
You never will.
So, yet again,
It’s left to others to pick up the peices.
When will you be satisfied?
What can fill the void?
Is this all I am,
All I’ll ever be?
Don’t I deserve more?
More credit,
More time,
More slack?
Or Don’t I matter as much as you?
Am I not as valuable?
Does it not matter that I bleed red too?
I wish you’d think,
I wish you’d stop
But as long those around you
Keep excusing you
And validating your bad behaviour,
You never will.
So, yet again,
It’s left to others to pick up the peices.
When will you be satisfied?
Good people.
Why is it so hard to be a good person?
I don't feel like I am. I try so hard to be everything to everyone, I struggle, I war, I supress things as they maybe hurtful to others, I screw myself over because I no longer want to be the epicentre of chaos and hurt.
I had a hard time growing up. I was bullied and sadly I took it out on my family. I was unable to react in an apropriate way to what was going on around me and caused a lot of tension and hurt with in my family unit. And now it's all hapening again.
I'm not going to wash my dirty laundry in public because:
A) it's embarasing to my family
and
B) people aren't here to defend themselves,
But surfice to say that somethings were said to me, about me, that were really hurtful and upsetting and it ended up turning into a huge family row.
I have to say I just went quietly to mum and she told my dad and it kicked off from there but I still feel guilty for what's gone on. I was told catagoricaly that it isn't my fault so how come it feels like it is?
The person who said the things to me is not very well mentally or emotionaly and certain quaters of my family believe that some how that excueses their behaviour. I'm suffering from depression, I'm on prozack (!) and I'm going through therapy, is that an excuse for me to behave badly? No, of course not but it seems to be a recurrent excuse for, and on behalf of, the person who has wronged me.
I'm angry that it seems to be okay that I get walked over and nothing is done to correct the other person's behaviour. I'm angry that my needs seemed to have been side lined in a rush to make excuses for this person. I'm angry that I'm being made to feel guilty for being ill!! I'm angry that the other person can't get their head out of their arse long enough to realise that they are NOT the centre of the universe and that their problems aren't as big as they want to make them. I'm angry that I have to struggle so hard everyday to be a good person while others just assume it's their God given right to do as they please. I'm also hurting.
I have beaten myself up so hard for the fact that I can't be around this person. Even before what was said, I found it extremely difficult. This person lives in a vortex of chaos and it drags me down. I have carefuly ordered and controled chaos (a contradiction in terms?) but when I'm around this person I just feel totaly uncomfortable. I spent the weekend in tears because I felt bad that I couldn't cope with them. I felt I was a bad person because they are family and you shouldn't feel that way about family. But there you go, a good dose of Catholic guilt.
I feel I'm taking 1 step foward and 10 back, 2 steps foward and 20 back. I'm scared of being in therapy. I don't like having to face what's inside of me but I do because I have to. I have to survive and I have to get better. Not just for myself but for thoes around me, for thoes who are continualy picking up the pieces and trying to put me back together. It would be great just to be able to ignore everyone else and anything that doesn't suit me and do what I like, but life doesn't work that way.
I wish it di.
I don't feel like I am. I try so hard to be everything to everyone, I struggle, I war, I supress things as they maybe hurtful to others, I screw myself over because I no longer want to be the epicentre of chaos and hurt.
I had a hard time growing up. I was bullied and sadly I took it out on my family. I was unable to react in an apropriate way to what was going on around me and caused a lot of tension and hurt with in my family unit. And now it's all hapening again.
I'm not going to wash my dirty laundry in public because:
A) it's embarasing to my family
and
B) people aren't here to defend themselves,
But surfice to say that somethings were said to me, about me, that were really hurtful and upsetting and it ended up turning into a huge family row.
I have to say I just went quietly to mum and she told my dad and it kicked off from there but I still feel guilty for what's gone on. I was told catagoricaly that it isn't my fault so how come it feels like it is?
The person who said the things to me is not very well mentally or emotionaly and certain quaters of my family believe that some how that excueses their behaviour. I'm suffering from depression, I'm on prozack (!) and I'm going through therapy, is that an excuse for me to behave badly? No, of course not but it seems to be a recurrent excuse for, and on behalf of, the person who has wronged me.
I'm angry that it seems to be okay that I get walked over and nothing is done to correct the other person's behaviour. I'm angry that my needs seemed to have been side lined in a rush to make excuses for this person. I'm angry that I'm being made to feel guilty for being ill!! I'm angry that the other person can't get their head out of their arse long enough to realise that they are NOT the centre of the universe and that their problems aren't as big as they want to make them. I'm angry that I have to struggle so hard everyday to be a good person while others just assume it's their God given right to do as they please. I'm also hurting.
I have beaten myself up so hard for the fact that I can't be around this person. Even before what was said, I found it extremely difficult. This person lives in a vortex of chaos and it drags me down. I have carefuly ordered and controled chaos (a contradiction in terms?) but when I'm around this person I just feel totaly uncomfortable. I spent the weekend in tears because I felt bad that I couldn't cope with them. I felt I was a bad person because they are family and you shouldn't feel that way about family. But there you go, a good dose of Catholic guilt.
I feel I'm taking 1 step foward and 10 back, 2 steps foward and 20 back. I'm scared of being in therapy. I don't like having to face what's inside of me but I do because I have to. I have to survive and I have to get better. Not just for myself but for thoes around me, for thoes who are continualy picking up the pieces and trying to put me back together. It would be great just to be able to ignore everyone else and anything that doesn't suit me and do what I like, but life doesn't work that way.
I wish it di.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Poetry.
It's been an interesting time recenty for me. As a creative person I tend to write prose or blank verse poetry and recently the gauntlet was thrown down for me to write some rhming poetry.
Now rhyme is not a medium I'm on the whole comfortable with but I've really enjoyed writing my poetry and it has given my brain a bit a creative strech. to have to think of words that not only rhyme but make sense together is a challenge.
I love to read rhyming poetry so this has been a good excuse to extend my range. I don't know if I'll continue writing rhymes but its fun now and surely that's all that counts?
Now rhyme is not a medium I'm on the whole comfortable with but I've really enjoyed writing my poetry and it has given my brain a bit a creative strech. to have to think of words that not only rhyme but make sense together is a challenge.
I love to read rhyming poetry so this has been a good excuse to extend my range. I don't know if I'll continue writing rhymes but its fun now and surely that's all that counts?
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
God again.
Just wanted to share this poem because it expresses, in a very small way, how I feel about God and all the wonders God creates in my life. Hope you all enjoy.
X X X X x
I love my GOD and will celebrate God’s goodness forever!!!!!
God’s love and God’s mercy follow me all my days.
I am loved and sheltered for I rest in the palm of my God’s hand.
Through all my struggles,
My loneliness,
My heartache and my hardship,
God walks with me,
God uplifts me,
God moulds me into the perfect being.
I am loved beyond worlds
Because Jehovah is with me.
God sets a table before my enemies,
God clothes me in righteousness and justice,
God uplifts me because God has called me by name
And chosen me to accomplish great things in God’s name.
I will stand for God forever
And God for me
Because God alone knows me truly,
And commands my destiny.
Now and forever,
Amen
X X X X x
I love my GOD and will celebrate God’s goodness forever!!!!!
God’s love and God’s mercy follow me all my days.
I am loved and sheltered for I rest in the palm of my God’s hand.
Through all my struggles,
My loneliness,
My heartache and my hardship,
God walks with me,
God uplifts me,
God moulds me into the perfect being.
I am loved beyond worlds
Because Jehovah is with me.
God sets a table before my enemies,
God clothes me in righteousness and justice,
God uplifts me because God has called me by name
And chosen me to accomplish great things in God’s name.
I will stand for God forever
And God for me
Because God alone knows me truly,
And commands my destiny.
Now and forever,
Amen
Monday, June 05, 2006
Don't put him back on the cross.
Kaz said somrthing to me this Easter which made a lot of sense...my heart was breaking for what Jesus went through for me and she said "don't put him back on the cross".
I realize how easy it is for us as Christians to remember that part of the story and forget that "Christ has died, Christ has risen, Christ will come again."
I find it so hard to imagine what Jesus went through for me but I'm so greatful that He chose to do. I'm also incredably greatful that he felt I was worthy.
I'll remember that Jesus is risen and that he will never be put back on that cross because his victory is complete and through him, so is ours.
I realize how easy it is for us as Christians to remember that part of the story and forget that "Christ has died, Christ has risen, Christ will come again."
I find it so hard to imagine what Jesus went through for me but I'm so greatful that He chose to do. I'm also incredably greatful that he felt I was worthy.
I'll remember that Jesus is risen and that he will never be put back on that cross because his victory is complete and through him, so is ours.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Heart ache.
Why, if the brain is the seat of logic, reason and emotion, when you're hurt does it feel like your heart's been ripped out?
I can see why the Ancient Egyptian's believed that the heart was the seat of power for the body and the brain was simpley a pulp that filled a rather large cavity. I actualy agree that, for some people, this is very much the case. But I also wonder why heartache feels like that.
I have had times when I've been so emotionaly overwhelmed it feels there's a hole in the centre of my chest...I don't really know how to explain it but I think we've all felt it. It's this huge crater where something is supposed to be beating.
I wonder if it's simply a psychosymatic reaction to extereme emotional destress or wether it actualy has a biological basis set aside from the conditioning. I believe we are condition to see the heart as the seat of emotion even if it's not in a true, biological sense.
The amount of time's we use the word heart in relation to emotion is staggering "My heart's desire", "my heart's content", "the heart of me", "wearing your heart on your sleave". Where does this coome from if we know the heart is simply a muscel that pumps blood around the body? Are we really that bound up with our hearts?
Maybe it does come from a more ancient understanding of the body. Like old wives tales, years of recieved wisdom isn't going to change over night. Anyway I like this idea of something "coming from the heart" to me it makes us more than simply bio-automatons, it's not just the "great brain with out a heart"that makes us human, it's every part of us how ever ignorant that part is of what function it fullfills with in us.
And so, dear hearts, I leave you with a kiss and my hearts most secret desire.
X X X X
I can see why the Ancient Egyptian's believed that the heart was the seat of power for the body and the brain was simpley a pulp that filled a rather large cavity. I actualy agree that, for some people, this is very much the case. But I also wonder why heartache feels like that.
I have had times when I've been so emotionaly overwhelmed it feels there's a hole in the centre of my chest...I don't really know how to explain it but I think we've all felt it. It's this huge crater where something is supposed to be beating.
I wonder if it's simply a psychosymatic reaction to extereme emotional destress or wether it actualy has a biological basis set aside from the conditioning. I believe we are condition to see the heart as the seat of emotion even if it's not in a true, biological sense.
The amount of time's we use the word heart in relation to emotion is staggering "My heart's desire", "my heart's content", "the heart of me", "wearing your heart on your sleave". Where does this coome from if we know the heart is simply a muscel that pumps blood around the body? Are we really that bound up with our hearts?
Maybe it does come from a more ancient understanding of the body. Like old wives tales, years of recieved wisdom isn't going to change over night. Anyway I like this idea of something "coming from the heart" to me it makes us more than simply bio-automatons, it's not just the "great brain with out a heart"that makes us human, it's every part of us how ever ignorant that part is of what function it fullfills with in us.
And so, dear hearts, I leave you with a kiss and my hearts most secret desire.
X X X X
The problem of teeth.
I'm fed up of teeth. All of youwho know me will, undoubtably, be familliar with the saga of my lower left wisdom tooth but, God be praised, I'm having it removed tomorrow.
I hate teeth. you have to take so much time and effort to look after them and, wih the exception of milk teeth, when they're gone they're gone. Then you get into the realms of dentures and caps and all sorts of weird and wonderful invention to keep the blasted things in your mouth.
Then there's the pain. Everyone's had tooth ache at some stage in their lives and it's hell on earth. I actualy think that hell is tooth ache with out the possibility of pain killers. I have neever know a more painful thing.
Recently I have had problems with an abscess (sp?) under my IMPACTED (!) wisdom tooth. I was wondering around with the abscess growing in my jaw for about 3 weeks before anything was done about it. I was techy and in constant, shooting pain. In the end I was put on solpadol and the on IV antibiotics to rid my jaw of the infection. I also could only open my jaw about 1/2 a centimeter so I wasn't eating properly either.
I don't know why we can't just be like sharks. We'd have several rows of teeth in our mouths and if one broke, or wore away, we just grow more. A perfect solution to the problem of teeth.
I hate teeth. you have to take so much time and effort to look after them and, wih the exception of milk teeth, when they're gone they're gone. Then you get into the realms of dentures and caps and all sorts of weird and wonderful invention to keep the blasted things in your mouth.
Then there's the pain. Everyone's had tooth ache at some stage in their lives and it's hell on earth. I actualy think that hell is tooth ache with out the possibility of pain killers. I have neever know a more painful thing.
Recently I have had problems with an abscess (sp?) under my IMPACTED (!) wisdom tooth. I was wondering around with the abscess growing in my jaw for about 3 weeks before anything was done about it. I was techy and in constant, shooting pain. In the end I was put on solpadol and the on IV antibiotics to rid my jaw of the infection. I also could only open my jaw about 1/2 a centimeter so I wasn't eating properly either.
I don't know why we can't just be like sharks. We'd have several rows of teeth in our mouths and if one broke, or wore away, we just grow more. A perfect solution to the problem of teeth.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
God.
I can't remember who first said this to me, I think it was my Pastor, but a wise bird once told "even if you don't believe in God, God believes in you". I was very touched by the sentiment and the truth that it contains.
I can tell you I believe in God, I can even tell you what I think God looks like but I couldn't give you a clear, coherent argument as to wether God really exsists or not, I just know, deep in my heart and brain that God does.
My journey to faith has been a long and stressful one. Sometimes my heart has been broken, sometimes my skin. Sometimes I didn't want to live to see another day. Somedays I still don't. But the difference now is I have a God who loves me so much that He/She would take on human form and die a terrible death just to prove that I AM worthy. I've got a God who is fighting my corner, who is keeping me strong, who is loving and uplifting me every step of the way and preparing me to sit at Her/His feet for all eternity.
In short I have a God who loves me, who gives me forgiveness, mercy and grace. Who takes the trials and hardships in my life and turns the curses into blessings. I have a parent who is slow to anger, even when I do hugley idiotic things that hurt myself, others and them; a parent who is swift to bless me and welcome me home with open arms.
I have been the prodigal son, I have been Saul, I have been and done things that I'm ashamed of. But Jesus has taken my shame, and by his death and ressuerection, has made me worthy to stand before God and be love for all my brokeness and shame.
God has torn me down and is slowly rebuilding me to be a perfect work to God's glory. I'm unfineshed, a work in progress but no more will I stray from the heart or the hand of the One who is shaping me.
The Creator, The Christ and The Holy Spirit, three in one, are my guid and my lodestone, God is the only compass I need because I know that my God would never steer me wrong and if I follow the truth of God I will end up in Zion.
May God's love and blessings fall on you all,
Lara.
http://www.mccbournemouth.co.uk/
I can tell you I believe in God, I can even tell you what I think God looks like but I couldn't give you a clear, coherent argument as to wether God really exsists or not, I just know, deep in my heart and brain that God does.
My journey to faith has been a long and stressful one. Sometimes my heart has been broken, sometimes my skin. Sometimes I didn't want to live to see another day. Somedays I still don't. But the difference now is I have a God who loves me so much that He/She would take on human form and die a terrible death just to prove that I AM worthy. I've got a God who is fighting my corner, who is keeping me strong, who is loving and uplifting me every step of the way and preparing me to sit at Her/His feet for all eternity.
In short I have a God who loves me, who gives me forgiveness, mercy and grace. Who takes the trials and hardships in my life and turns the curses into blessings. I have a parent who is slow to anger, even when I do hugley idiotic things that hurt myself, others and them; a parent who is swift to bless me and welcome me home with open arms.
I have been the prodigal son, I have been Saul, I have been and done things that I'm ashamed of. But Jesus has taken my shame, and by his death and ressuerection, has made me worthy to stand before God and be love for all my brokeness and shame.
God has torn me down and is slowly rebuilding me to be a perfect work to God's glory. I'm unfineshed, a work in progress but no more will I stray from the heart or the hand of the One who is shaping me.
The Creator, The Christ and The Holy Spirit, three in one, are my guid and my lodestone, God is the only compass I need because I know that my God would never steer me wrong and if I follow the truth of God I will end up in Zion.
May God's love and blessings fall on you all,
Lara.
http://www.mccbournemouth.co.uk/
M.E
Hi Everybody,
I just wanted to add a post and publish a link to website about M.E. You can find the link in the links section of this blog.
As a friend of mine wrote:
"M.E is not just tiredness, it is a dreadfull illness which totaly debilitates you and can make you feel deathly ill, all the time, year after year."
A lot of people make the mistake of thinking M.E is a psychosymatic condition because not a whole lot is know about it but it is defiantely more than that. More research is needed into the condition and that is where you can help.
Please check out the website and post a virtual hug on the hugathon, if you want. You're support will make a great difference to the lives of millions of people.
God's blessing,
Lara
I just wanted to add a post and publish a link to website about M.E. You can find the link in the links section of this blog.
As a friend of mine wrote:
"M.E is not just tiredness, it is a dreadfull illness which totaly debilitates you and can make you feel deathly ill, all the time, year after year."
A lot of people make the mistake of thinking M.E is a psychosymatic condition because not a whole lot is know about it but it is defiantely more than that. More research is needed into the condition and that is where you can help.
Please check out the website and post a virtual hug on the hugathon, if you want. You're support will make a great difference to the lives of millions of people.
God's blessing,
Lara
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Hello and welcome to the Lalaverse.
Hello and welcome to the Lalaverse. You have now entered an alternitive universe full of wonderful and strange beings.
I am your host for the duration of you stay in the Lalaverse. "Who are you?" I hear you all cry. Well I am Lala, creator and devine arbiter of the Lalaverse. I sincerely hope you enjoy your stay here and come back often for updates. Who knows you may even have a galaxy named after you.
So spread the madness and may the Force be with you.
Lala
I am your host for the duration of you stay in the Lalaverse. "Who are you?" I hear you all cry. Well I am Lala, creator and devine arbiter of the Lalaverse. I sincerely hope you enjoy your stay here and come back often for updates. Who knows you may even have a galaxy named after you.
So spread the madness and may the Force be with you.
Lala
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