Sunday, July 16, 2006
blah
I don't even know how to begin. I''ve lost the words to describe what I mean. I don't know anymore. When you look at me you see the happy go-lucky, shit happens and I'll deal with it person. That's who you want to see. You don't want to see someone who's dead on the inside slowly rotting away. I'm tired of life, I want to live for myself, I don't want people to tell I'm selfish or to think of other's who never got to decide wether they wanted to die. All I ever do is think of other people. Where does my life come in all this? Don't I have a right to be happy? To make informed choices about when my life ends? It's all to much. Everything is to, to much. I can't ever seemed to find a balance, if I feel joy it's total and all consuming, if I feel sadness it's all consuming. I don't know how long I can go on living. I just want to find a hole 6 foot deep, crawl into it and live there for the rest of my life. I somethimes think that if God really loved me, I wouldn't wake up. I never asked to be born, I never asked to be on this rollercoaster and I want to get off. The thing is I can't, I'm too scared to live, to scared to die. All I know is I don't want this anymore. I've started to change already, started to become. It's hard to explain but I know it's happening. I'm toughning up, I don't care anymore, I'm the anti-hero of my own life. I'm starting to live for me, to take what I want. I know that it's a selfish attitude and as a Christian I shouldn't have it but I'm sick of being walked over. Being nice doesn't get you anywhere, it gets you used and abused and makes you disposable. Well I'm sick of being disposable, I'm sick of being ignored, the world will stand up and take notice. I am becoming the person I want to be, or maybe I don't want to be this person. Maybe I don't want to be all hard and cynical. But I can't seem to find a balance. You tell me.
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2 comments:
It's quite essential to find more time for yourself before you're able to give it to others in the most beneficial way!It's so important to love yourself and that requires 'me' time.Self-love is not to be confused with selfishness.Often you'll find that the people who trample over others, albeit in the name of being a success,are using their success and greed/selfishness as a cover for the hollowness at their core.
I don't see you ever becoming hard and cynical 'cos then you wouldn't like yourself at all.
Take care.
But I don't feel as if I'm doing the right thing by looking after me. I know self care isn't a sin but I've had it drilled into me that you look out for others and put them first. I find it so hard to be what I need too be, to find the balance. I never really thought about the "Love others as you love yyourself" scripture in that way, so thank you for your words of wisdom and support.
I'll be ok, I'm just blindly stumbling about at the moment trying to feel my way through this but I'll get there.
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