All for the love of the game.

Life is beautiful, life is scary, life's a bitchbut isn't it a wonderful thing?

I know i've had my head up my own arse the last week or so but I'll get there. At the moment I'm just so in love with life...
I'm beautiful, powerful and i can do anything i want.
I'm going to dance on the mountains on the moon, I'm going to trip the light fantastic  
across the sun...
I'm destined to be happy.
Life is what you make it...so I'm going to make it mine.  I went out and got drunk tonight
and I cried, I cried until I thought I couldn't cry anymore but then I had a chance
meeting with a servant of God and I realised so what if I'm disposable? Because we're all disposable. I can still have fun and be what I need to be. i can't really explain what got me
to this point but I know noe that really it's just a game. It has no rules but the one's that we ascribe to it. playing, and being played, is so liberating. When you work it out it's all about power plays. our whole lives are built on a subtle interplay of dominance and submission and it doesn't need to be obvious either. The power struggle is inherent, we're rarely ever on a equal footing with others. I've realised sometime's it's worth loosing the battle to win the war and sometimes, however hard you try, you can't win the war so you limp off to lick your war wounds and then get back on the horse and charge into yet another fight.
Yes i fall in love to easily, I'm always trying to find that "perfect" relationship...but i can dream can't I? i can hoope that the age of romance and chivalry isn't dead. I don't care how many times I get kick down, I'm gonna get up everytime and be that little bit stronger.
I lay my hand on the table and pay the price.

Love...again.

Well I seem to have recovered a bit now. After trying to avoid God, coz I know He's going to ask me to give up something I really don't want to, I went to church and found wisdom from a very unexpected source. I've known Bean to very mature but what he was saying on Sunday really made a lot of sense, it's going to be hard but my relationship with God is not worth sacrificing for a man and a man I don't even love. But what I don't understand, and I'm having huge trouble with this, is why God gave us a heart and the capacity to love if the person we love was never meant to be ours. I'm in this quandry with a couple of my friends at the moment. I really feel a lot for one half of the couple and its taring me up that I can't be with her but I'm also very happy for both her and my friend that they've finally found each other. They have a lot of history together you see and that's why I was wondering why God gave us the heart to love if we were never meant to be with the person we love. I'm not sure I can cope and so I'm shutting down and conpartmentalising things. The strange thing is i never realised how much I felt for this person until she was no longer avalible. I geuss I'll cope in the best way and can and move on. I'm so lost though and that's why I need to go to God and ask for his strength.
Pray for me as I try to come to terms with something so hurtful and confusing.
La. X X

blah

I don't even know how to begin. I''ve lost the words to describe what I mean. I don't know anymore. When you look at me you see the happy go-lucky, shit happens and I'll deal with it person. That's who you want to see. You don't want to see someone who's dead on the inside slowly rotting away. I'm tired of life, I want to live for myself, I don't want people to tell I'm selfish or to think of other's who never got to decide wether they wanted to die. All I ever do is think of other people. Where does my life come in all this? Don't I have a right to be happy? To make informed choices about when my life ends? It's all to much. Everything is to, to much. I can't ever seemed to find a balance, if I feel joy it's total and all consuming, if I feel sadness it's all consuming. I don't know how long I can go on living. I just want to find a hole 6 foot deep, crawl into it and live there for the rest of my life. I somethimes think that if God really loved me, I wouldn't wake up. I never asked to be born, I never asked to be on this rollercoaster and I want to get off. The thing is I can't, I'm too scared to live, to scared to die. All I know is I don't want this anymore. I've started to change already, started to become. It's hard to explain but I know it's happening. I'm toughning up, I don't care anymore, I'm the anti-hero of my own life. I'm starting to live for me, to take what I want. I know that it's a selfish attitude and as a Christian I shouldn't have it but I'm sick of being walked over. Being nice doesn't get you anywhere, it gets you used and abused and makes you disposable. Well I'm sick of being disposable, I'm sick of being ignored, the world will stand up and take notice. I am becoming the person I want to be, or maybe I don't want to be this person. Maybe I don't want to be all hard and cynical. But I can't seem to find a balance. You tell me.

Heyho

Just thought I'd check in to let you, my devoted followers know that I AM still alive. Just been hectic. Will update my Blog properly soon.
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