Artemis.

Don't know what I last posted here but the last months or two have been a complete whirlwind of new people, places and experiences. As per usual this isn't going to have any structure, as most of you who know me know I do stream of conciouness. Well Artemis. Wow talk about finding a home!! I've finally found people who get me and love me entirely the way that I am. It's amazing that I've only been with the company since January but already I'm right in the heart of it. I initaly started as ASM on the production of "ThemBones", which went fantasticly by the way (more on that later), and before I knew it I had become P.A to Christina, the artistic director, and was assistant sound tech for "Bones". I also thought I was going to take time off and not work on "Satan's Fish" but how wrong was I, Iam now understudy for two of the three female parts and intiating a lot of the moves for one of them as the actress has been sick and can't attend rehearsals. I'm also going to be working of "Mary Shelley goes to Hollywood" and hopefully have the female lead in "Oscar". How mad is my life?!?! I have also made some of the most incredable friends, sound/lighting techs, band members, musicians...and I've done public singing. I have also been invited to submit a peice of writing for consideration for production under the Artemis banner. I can't believe that this is all happening to little, old me who was never cool at school, who was always being bullied for being the freak, the geek and the outcast. It's all been so worth it. I'm finally a someone.
After a fraught few months on "Bones" it fianlly went into production, and that was scary! here was me who had never done sound before sudenly assisting the sound tech. But It has shown me where my heart lies in theatre and that's on the tech side. I can't believe we pulled it out of the hat!! Thankfully "Satan's" seems lesss chaotic!!
Well enough whittling from me,but I just wanted to give you a flavour of what is happening in..... OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe I forgot to tell you, Stuey scored the part of "Schmidt" in "Satan's" I'm so proud of him. HE's never acted before and he is doing me so, so proud. I can't believe how fantastic he is and Vince is drawing such a good performance out of him. He's loving being a part of Artemis and Artemis seem to loving having him so all is very, very good. Very good.

Artemis.

Don't know what I last posted here but the last months or two have been a complete whirlwind of new people, places and experiences. As per usual this isn't going to have any structure, as most of you who know me know I do stream of conciouness. Well Artemis. Wow talk about finding a home!! I've finally found people who get me and love me entirely the way that I am. It's amazing that I've only been with the company since January but already I'm right in the heart of it. I initaly started as ASM on the production of "ThemBones", which went fantasticly by the way (more on that later), and before I knew it I had become P.A to Christina, the artistic director, and was assistant sound tech for "Bones". I also thought I was going to take time off and not work on "Satan's Fish" but how wrong was I, Iam now understudy for two of the three female parts and intiating a lot of the moves for one of them as the actress has been sick and can't attend rehearsals. I'm also going to be working of "Mary Shelley goes to Hollywood" and hopefully have the female lead in "Oscar". How mad is my life?!?! I have also made some of the most incredable friends, sound/lighting techs, band members, musicians...and I've done public singing. I have also been invited to submit a peice of writing for consideration for production under the Artemis banner. I can't believe that this is all happening to little, old me who was never cool at school, who was always being bullied for being the freak, the geek and the outcast. It's all been so worth it. I'm finally a someone.
After a fraught few months on "Bones" it fianlly went into production, and that was scary! here was me who had never done sound before sudenly assisting the sound tech. But It has shown me where my heart lies in theatre and that's on the tech side. I can't believe we pulled it out of the hat!! Thankfully "Satan's" seems lesss chaotic!!
Well enough whittling from me,but I just wanted to give you a flavour of what is happening in..... OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe I forgot to tell you, Stuey scored the part of "Schmidt" in "Satan's" I'm so proud of him. HE's never acted before and he is doing me so, so proud. I can't believe how fantastic he is and Vince is drawing such a good performance out of him. He's loving being a part of Artemis and Artemis seem to loving having him so all is very, very good. Very good.

connections.

How desperately afraid we are of conection, of contact, of truth, trust and love. Why does the sensual have to equate to the sexual? Isn't that just taking the human experience to the lowest plane of what it is? I want to feel conected to the whole world, I live my llife with my heart wide open, I can't afford to do it any other way. I don't want to miss a thing. I don't want life to be something that happens to me while my back is turned and that opens me up to a lot of pain. Sometimes, most of the time actualy, I question why I do it but then comes a moment when my faith in the wideness of the human heart and of experience backs me up and I'm totaly rewarded for my faith. It's amazing to feel a conection to something bigger, be that the Devine, another human being, a rock, a tree, music what ever you choose your conection to be. I never want to loose that. I held a friend's hand walking back from the pub over the weekend and it was wonderful just to be part of something bigger but it takes courage and trust just to reach out. I'm in a situation with someone where I'm trying to make a deeper, more meaningful conection and they are wrapped up so tightly that I can't break through (unless it's a sexual thing). I keep tying myself up in knots about it because I need to feel a deeper conection but maybe I just need to let it go, let them go, and know that their truth is different to mine. It hurts though because I'm in love with this person but that's by the by. Maybe I'm only supposed to be fleetingly conected with some and more deeply conected with others. Pain is a good way to feel alive, it keeps us sharp and awake. Happieness dulls the senses. I'm not suggesting we all go around misserable and actively seek pain but maybe we should embrace it when it comes our way and be thankful for it and the ability to reconect.
This is only my truth but I hope it makes some type of sense to you.

On How beautiful friendship is.

"Seek not you friend with hours to kill but rather with hours to live."
Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet.

I have been making so many new friends and renewing old friendships, I feel so blessed to be a part of the world. This weekend has been enough to show me how truely valued I am. Okay my mood has bottomed out but that's not really helped by not taking my medication and that's by the by. Saturday night i met a friend for a drink and we ended up sitting in a pub and chatting for three hours, sunday a friend came down specialy from Oxford to take me out for lunch and we ended up talking for hours and in the evening I ended up taking a friend out for what was supposed to be a quick post rehearsal half that turned into a pre-production meeting for my movie.
What amazed me the most about this weekend is the conection I have with the friend from Oxford. I met him very briefly at my sisters wedding last year and we hadn't really spoken since but he found out that I loved Dracula and Egyptology and so lent me a book, it all went from there. I certainly feel we have a lot in comman and it totaly blew me away that an obviously intellegent man was seeking my company and my opinions.
Also I have a friend who is a total darl and is just there for me. He doesn't care about who I was or who I will be he only cares about who I am and that's really nice.
God bless all my friends. X X X

The wowness of me.

My life has exploded since november. I can't believe who I have become and how I've become. From being broken and feeling totaly unloved and unsignificant I now have an ASM's job, a PA and admin role in the same company, an offer of a performance slot for my poetry and a short film soon to go into production. I'm glad I've sorta kept my blogspot together because it's a chance for me to chart my progress. I can't believe who I am or who I'm becoming!

Go tkae this test.

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO coll, I'm Han(d) Solo.
Who be you be?

:: by malen

Do I care?

Typical, I haven't been on my blogspot for ages and then when I do finaly get here it's to rant. How come you can have life so good on the one hand while every thing else is going to pot on the other? I finaly find a place where I'm loved and understood and I know I need to be and I have to deal with rumors and insinuations about me and things that are so untrue that if they weren't so potentialy damaging to a lot of people i know they'd be funny. Then once I just about feel I've got that sorted something else that I really had no desire to deal with comes up and bites me on the arse big style. I don't know wether to laugh or cry about that one as I was right. I walked away from the whole situation a good couple of months ago and I find out it's all got kicked up again and others are walking out. I don't want to have to deal with it because, as far as I knew it was as dead as dead dodo's backside, but here it is back and bigger than ever. I also find out that a major injustice has happend in the same institution and that people who SHOULD know better aparently don't. I'm sorry if this is making much sense but I can't really broadcast it on such a public forum with out getting my arse whooped so I'm just really writting a load of crap just to get it out of my head and onto the screen. If I couldn't do this I'd go even more mad as it is I'm questioning my sanity big time at the moment anywa. Why do I bother get out of bed? The weather will always be cold, the sky will always be grey because , in the end, everything is predictable. God starts to work miricles in my life, him down stairs starts kicking up and I end up being really pissed off and apethetic to the whole thing. The people piss me off and that just make's me worse. I know that him upstairs is look after me and the father of lies won't shake my conviction in the God of justice and truth but sometimes I could just do with out the phone calls and texts and the frantic rush to sorth everything out. As a friend oof mine would say lie is being hectic.

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Insania

It's been so long since I blogged and I've meant to be back ranting and raving about so many things...My brain is frazzled! (it's actualy arguable if I had a brain to begin with but that is for another post at another time) I feel like I want to cry but that everthing with in me is dry. I've being busy writing a peice for my young wriers group and it's semi autobiographical and it deals with subject matter close to my heart. I have got a creeping sensation all over my flesh and I'm sat at the top of the house in my winter coat. I shouldn't be sat at the top of the house with my winter coat on because usually I'm baking my nuts up here. Now are you begining to get the idea? I don't know if I can go through this any more. I don't know if I can be a creative. Everytime I write I leave a little peice of my soul in the pages and I'm not sure how much more i can give up. We explored my poetry in therapy and I really didn't realise how dark I am. I was talking about a peice called "strange Voodoo" and it was filled with such malintent...and that was just written from my subconcious. I don't know if I can deal with the feeling of helplessness in the face of the onslaught, the torrent that comes pouring from my brain. What keeps me on thi9s side of the line? How come the archetype that I most strongly asscoiate with is the serial killer?!? What does that say about me? Why don't I just give into it? Why don't I just kill and kill again until I'm caught and branded an evil monster by the shit rags and misunderstood by the psychatrists? I talk about my transformation, about the outer becoming more like the inner and made that means the killing begins now....
Alternitivly it could mean that I'm just spinning myself out, that I'm over tierd and that I should just keeping taking the tabs.

Good night my loves, my God bless every single one of your footsteps and bless you on every inch of your journey.
X X X

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

I'm in the prosses of switching my anti-depresants and it's scaring me coz I've had to come of my meds completely for one week. It sounds nothing in the scheme of things but do something very rude to a duck, it's hard. I've been told to start my new meds on tuesday to alow the prozac to clear from my system. I never thought I'd miss prozac but I do. I'm all over the place and It's been the longest week of my life. I'm really scared and antsy and I don't know if I can cope...I'm repeting myself aren't I? This is probably a pschosymatic response rather than a real one but I reacted very badly to something last night that I shouldn't have done. I'm also running out of tobaco which doesn't put me in the best of moods anyway. I just want to cry...I've also had my meds cut back to 10mgs from 20 so we'll have to see. The thing is prozac induces false euphoria in me and I have to be off it to feel anything at a real level. Cytolopram has worked best for me in the past but who knows? I'll keep you all updated.