Prayer.

After my little colapse yesterday, I'm actualy feeling a lot better and that simply comes from acknowledging the fact that I'm falible and frail and calling on my God for hope and strength.
I had had a particularly stressful day at work yesterday and after all the crap that went on at the weekend I was ready to give up, to throw the towel in and say I really don't care but instead I prayed. I told God I was really ready to give up, that I was at the end of my tether but I didn't want the devil to gain a stronghold in my mind. I admited to God that I was feeling low and aked for God's strength to sustain me.
It's amazing what happens when you give it all up to God. Although I still don't really understand the situation or condone what was said I feel lifted above it and that the weight is no longer mine to carry. God has listened and answered my prayers. I can only walk tall because I'm being carried on God's shoulders. God is magnifiecent, I want to shout His name to the earth and I want to, and will, belong to him forever. He sustains me and uplifts me and I know I can do anything because God stands for me and if God stands for me, who can stand against?

...

What is left when the anger’s gone?
What can fill the void?
Is this all I am,
All I’ll ever be?
Don’t I deserve more?
More credit,
More time,
More slack?
Or Don’t I matter as much as you?
Am I not as valuable?
Does it not matter that I bleed red too?
I wish you’d think,
I wish you’d stop
But as long those around you
Keep excusing you
And validating your bad behaviour,
You never will.
So, yet again,
It’s left to others to pick up the peices.
When will you be satisfied?

Good people.

Why is it so hard to be a good person?
I don't feel like I am. I try so hard to be everything to everyone, I struggle, I war, I supress things as they maybe hurtful to others, I screw myself over because I no longer want to be the epicentre of chaos and hurt.
I had a hard time growing up. I was bullied and sadly I took it out on my family. I was unable to react in an apropriate way to what was going on around me and caused a lot of tension and hurt with in my family unit. And now it's all hapening again.
I'm not going to wash my dirty laundry in public because:
A) it's embarasing to my family
and
B) people aren't here to defend themselves,
But surfice to say that somethings were said to me, about me, that were really hurtful and upsetting and it ended up turning into a huge family row.
I have to say I just went quietly to mum and she told my dad and it kicked off from there but I still feel guilty for what's gone on. I was told catagoricaly that it isn't my fault so how come it feels like it is?
The person who said the things to me is not very well mentally or emotionaly and certain quaters of my family believe that some how that excueses their behaviour. I'm suffering from depression, I'm on prozack (!) and I'm going through therapy, is that an excuse for me to behave badly? No, of course not but it seems to be a recurrent excuse for, and on behalf of, the person who has wronged me.
I'm angry that it seems to be okay that I get walked over and nothing is done to correct the other person's behaviour. I'm angry that my needs seemed to have been side lined in a rush to make excuses for this person. I'm angry that I'm being made to feel guilty for being ill!! I'm angry that the other person can't get their head out of their arse long enough to realise that they are NOT the centre of the universe and that their problems aren't as big as they want to make them. I'm angry that I have to struggle so hard everyday to be a good person while others just assume it's their God given right to do as they please. I'm also hurting.
I have beaten myself up so hard for the fact that I can't be around this person. Even before what was said, I found it extremely difficult. This person lives in a vortex of chaos and it drags me down. I have carefuly ordered and controled chaos (a contradiction in terms?) but when I'm around this person I just feel totaly uncomfortable. I spent the weekend in tears because I felt bad that I couldn't cope with them. I felt I was a bad person because they are family and you shouldn't feel that way about family. But there you go, a good dose of Catholic guilt.
I feel I'm taking 1 step foward and 10 back, 2 steps foward and 20 back. I'm scared of being in therapy. I don't like having to face what's inside of me but I do because I have to. I have to survive and I have to get better. Not just for myself but for thoes around me, for thoes who are continualy picking up the pieces and trying to put me back together. It would be great just to be able to ignore everyone else and anything that doesn't suit me and do what I like, but life doesn't work that way.
I wish it di.

Poetry.

It's been an interesting time recenty for me. As a creative person I tend to write prose or blank verse poetry and recently the gauntlet was thrown down for me to write some rhming poetry.
Now rhyme is not a medium I'm on the whole comfortable with but I've really enjoyed writing my poetry and it has given my brain a bit a creative strech. to have to think of words that not only rhyme but make sense together is a challenge.
I love to read rhyming poetry so this has been a good excuse to extend my range. I don't know if I'll continue writing rhymes but its fun now and surely that's all that counts?

God again.

Just wanted to share this poem because it expresses, in a very small way, how I feel about God and all the wonders God creates in my life. Hope you all enjoy.
X X X X x

I love my GOD and will celebrate God’s goodness forever!!!!!
God’s love and God’s mercy follow me all my days.
I am loved and sheltered for I rest in the palm of my God’s hand.
Through all my struggles,
My loneliness,
My heartache and my hardship,
God walks with me,
God uplifts me,
God moulds me into the perfect being.
I am loved beyond worlds
Because Jehovah is with me.
God sets a table before my enemies,
God clothes me in righteousness and justice,
God uplifts me because God has called me by name
And chosen me to accomplish great things in God’s name.
I will stand for God forever
And God for me
Because God alone knows me truly,
And commands my destiny.
Now and forever,
Amen

Don't put him back on the cross.

Kaz said somrthing to me this Easter which made a lot of sense...my heart was breaking for what Jesus went through for me and she said "don't put him back on the cross".

I realize how easy it is for us as Christians to remember that part of the story and forget that "Christ has died, Christ has risen, Christ will come again."

I find it so hard to imagine what Jesus went through for me but I'm so greatful that He chose to do. I'm also incredably greatful that he felt I was worthy.

I'll remember that Jesus is risen and that he will never be put back on that cross because his victory is complete and through him, so is ours.

Heart ache.

Why, if the brain is the seat of logic, reason and emotion, when you're hurt does it feel like your heart's been ripped out?
I can see why the Ancient Egyptian's believed that the heart was the seat of power for the body and the brain was simpley a pulp that filled a rather large cavity. I actualy agree that, for some people, this is very much the case. But I also wonder why heartache feels like that.
I have had times when I've been so emotionaly overwhelmed it feels there's a hole in the centre of my chest...I don't really know how to explain it but I think we've all felt it. It's this huge crater where something is supposed to be beating.
I wonder if it's simply a psychosymatic reaction to extereme emotional destress or wether it actualy has a biological basis set aside from the conditioning. I believe we are condition to see the heart as the seat of emotion even if it's not in a true, biological sense.
The amount of time's we use the word heart in relation to emotion is staggering "My heart's desire", "my heart's content", "the heart of me", "wearing your heart on your sleave". Where does this coome from if we know the heart is simply a muscel that pumps blood around the body? Are we really that bound up with our hearts?
Maybe it does come from a more ancient understanding of the body. Like old wives tales, years of recieved wisdom isn't going to change over night. Anyway I like this idea of something "coming from the heart" to me it makes us more than simply bio-automatons, it's not just the "great brain with out a heart"that makes us human, it's every part of us how ever ignorant that part is of what function it fullfills with in us.
And so, dear hearts, I leave you with a kiss and my hearts most secret desire.
X X X X

The problem of teeth.

I'm fed up of teeth. All of youwho know me will, undoubtably, be familliar with the saga of my lower left wisdom tooth but, God be praised, I'm having it removed tomorrow.
I hate teeth. you have to take so much time and effort to look after them and, wih the exception of milk teeth, when they're gone they're gone. Then you get into the realms of dentures and caps and all sorts of weird and wonderful invention to keep the blasted things in your mouth.
Then there's the pain. Everyone's had tooth ache at some stage in their lives and it's hell on earth. I actualy think that hell is tooth ache with out the possibility of pain killers. I have neever know a more painful thing.
Recently I have had problems with an abscess (sp?) under my IMPACTED (!) wisdom tooth. I was wondering around with the abscess growing in my jaw for about 3 weeks before anything was done about it. I was techy and in constant, shooting pain. In the end I was put on solpadol and the on IV antibiotics to rid my jaw of the infection. I also could only open my jaw about 1/2 a centimeter so I wasn't eating properly either.
I don't know why we can't just be like sharks. We'd have several rows of teeth in our mouths and if one broke, or wore away, we just grow more. A perfect solution to the problem of teeth.