connections.

How desperately afraid we are of conection, of contact, of truth, trust and love. Why does the sensual have to equate to the sexual? Isn't that just taking the human experience to the lowest plane of what it is? I want to feel conected to the whole world, I live my llife with my heart wide open, I can't afford to do it any other way. I don't want to miss a thing. I don't want life to be something that happens to me while my back is turned and that opens me up to a lot of pain. Sometimes, most of the time actualy, I question why I do it but then comes a moment when my faith in the wideness of the human heart and of experience backs me up and I'm totaly rewarded for my faith. It's amazing to feel a conection to something bigger, be that the Devine, another human being, a rock, a tree, music what ever you choose your conection to be. I never want to loose that. I held a friend's hand walking back from the pub over the weekend and it was wonderful just to be part of something bigger but it takes courage and trust just to reach out. I'm in a situation with someone where I'm trying to make a deeper, more meaningful conection and they are wrapped up so tightly that I can't break through (unless it's a sexual thing). I keep tying myself up in knots about it because I need to feel a deeper conection but maybe I just need to let it go, let them go, and know that their truth is different to mine. It hurts though because I'm in love with this person but that's by the by. Maybe I'm only supposed to be fleetingly conected with some and more deeply conected with others. Pain is a good way to feel alive, it keeps us sharp and awake. Happieness dulls the senses. I'm not suggesting we all go around misserable and actively seek pain but maybe we should embrace it when it comes our way and be thankful for it and the ability to reconect.
This is only my truth but I hope it makes some type of sense to you.

On How beautiful friendship is.

"Seek not you friend with hours to kill but rather with hours to live."
Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet.

I have been making so many new friends and renewing old friendships, I feel so blessed to be a part of the world. This weekend has been enough to show me how truely valued I am. Okay my mood has bottomed out but that's not really helped by not taking my medication and that's by the by. Saturday night i met a friend for a drink and we ended up sitting in a pub and chatting for three hours, sunday a friend came down specialy from Oxford to take me out for lunch and we ended up talking for hours and in the evening I ended up taking a friend out for what was supposed to be a quick post rehearsal half that turned into a pre-production meeting for my movie.
What amazed me the most about this weekend is the conection I have with the friend from Oxford. I met him very briefly at my sisters wedding last year and we hadn't really spoken since but he found out that I loved Dracula and Egyptology and so lent me a book, it all went from there. I certainly feel we have a lot in comman and it totaly blew me away that an obviously intellegent man was seeking my company and my opinions.
Also I have a friend who is a total darl and is just there for me. He doesn't care about who I was or who I will be he only cares about who I am and that's really nice.
God bless all my friends. X X X

The wowness of me.

My life has exploded since november. I can't believe who I have become and how I've become. From being broken and feeling totaly unloved and unsignificant I now have an ASM's job, a PA and admin role in the same company, an offer of a performance slot for my poetry and a short film soon to go into production. I'm glad I've sorta kept my blogspot together because it's a chance for me to chart my progress. I can't believe who I am or who I'm becoming!