Why is it so hard to be a good person?
I don't feel like I am. I try so hard to be everything to everyone, I struggle, I war, I supress things as they maybe hurtful to others, I screw myself over because I no longer want to be the epicentre of chaos and hurt.
I had a hard time growing up. I was bullied and sadly I took it out on my family. I was unable to react in an apropriate way to what was going on around me and caused a lot of tension and hurt with in my family unit. And now it's all hapening again.
I'm not going to wash my dirty laundry in public because:
A) it's embarasing to my family
and
B) people aren't here to defend themselves,
But surfice to say that somethings were said to me, about me, that were really hurtful and upsetting and it ended up turning into a huge family row.
I have to say I just went quietly to mum and she told my dad and it kicked off from there but I still feel guilty for what's gone on. I was told catagoricaly that it isn't my fault so how come it feels like it is?
The person who said the things to me is not very well mentally or emotionaly and certain quaters of my family believe that some how that excueses their behaviour. I'm suffering from depression, I'm on prozack (!) and I'm going through therapy, is that an excuse for me to behave badly? No, of course not but it seems to be a recurrent excuse for, and on behalf of, the person who has wronged me.
I'm angry that it seems to be okay that I get walked over and nothing is done to correct the other person's behaviour. I'm angry that my needs seemed to have been side lined in a rush to make excuses for this person. I'm angry that I'm being made to feel guilty for being ill!! I'm angry that the other person can't get their head out of their arse long enough to realise that they are NOT the centre of the universe and that their problems aren't as big as they want to make them. I'm angry that I have to struggle so hard everyday to be a good person while others just assume it's their God given right to do as they please. I'm also hurting.
I have beaten myself up so hard for the fact that I can't be around this person. Even before what was said, I found it extremely difficult. This person lives in a vortex of chaos and it drags me down. I have carefuly ordered and controled chaos (a contradiction in terms?) but when I'm around this person I just feel totaly uncomfortable. I spent the weekend in tears because I felt bad that I couldn't cope with them. I felt I was a bad person because they are family and you shouldn't feel that way about family. But there you go, a good dose of Catholic guilt.
I feel I'm taking 1 step foward and 10 back, 2 steps foward and 20 back. I'm scared of being in therapy. I don't like having to face what's inside of me but I do because I have to. I have to survive and I have to get better. Not just for myself but for thoes around me, for thoes who are continualy picking up the pieces and trying to put me back together. It would be great just to be able to ignore everyone else and anything that doesn't suit me and do what I like, but life doesn't work that way.
I wish it di.
2 comments:
Unfortunately, we can't be all things to all people and, much as we desire to befriend, encourage and be alongside people, even those who have hurt us, we're much too frail to take it all on board. I understand your frustration that the perpetrator of your upset is 'excused', whilst you're expected to be a doormat.
I do feel that you're putting yourself down unnecessarily, we're not expected to be perfect ... but to be human ... the whole point of the incarnation is to show that our flesh with all it's weaknesses is acceptable to God. God loves us not in spite of what we are but because of who we are.
Amen.
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