connections.

How desperately afraid we are of conection, of contact, of truth, trust and love. Why does the sensual have to equate to the sexual? Isn't that just taking the human experience to the lowest plane of what it is? I want to feel conected to the whole world, I live my llife with my heart wide open, I can't afford to do it any other way. I don't want to miss a thing. I don't want life to be something that happens to me while my back is turned and that opens me up to a lot of pain. Sometimes, most of the time actualy, I question why I do it but then comes a moment when my faith in the wideness of the human heart and of experience backs me up and I'm totaly rewarded for my faith. It's amazing to feel a conection to something bigger, be that the Devine, another human being, a rock, a tree, music what ever you choose your conection to be. I never want to loose that. I held a friend's hand walking back from the pub over the weekend and it was wonderful just to be part of something bigger but it takes courage and trust just to reach out. I'm in a situation with someone where I'm trying to make a deeper, more meaningful conection and they are wrapped up so tightly that I can't break through (unless it's a sexual thing). I keep tying myself up in knots about it because I need to feel a deeper conection but maybe I just need to let it go, let them go, and know that their truth is different to mine. It hurts though because I'm in love with this person but that's by the by. Maybe I'm only supposed to be fleetingly conected with some and more deeply conected with others. Pain is a good way to feel alive, it keeps us sharp and awake. Happieness dulls the senses. I'm not suggesting we all go around misserable and actively seek pain but maybe we should embrace it when it comes our way and be thankful for it and the ability to reconect.
This is only my truth but I hope it makes some type of sense to you.